How Do I Say Goodbye?

Change is on the horizon. One relationship is ending while another is *possibly* beginning. I really don’t know how I should be feeling. On one hand I’m really excited while on the other I’m really unsure. Over the course of a week things have changed rather quickly. It just sort of happened. How do I tell someone that it’s done and over with? That all of our thoughts and feelings mean nothing anymore? That the things we had been planning will no longer happen? I’m lost. I’m confused. I need someone to talk to. I’ve only told two people about him. One was very understanding while the other thought it was odd. I mean having a long distance relationship (if you could even call it that) was rough. We hadn’t ever talked on the phone. It was strictly online. It was fine for awhile. At least until I started wanting more. It was great emotional therapy most of the time. Yet something was always missing. I could just feel it. I needed the physical. No, I don’t mean sex. I mean just having the physical body there. The dreams and ideas were great. But would it really have worked out? He wasn’t willing to move and neither was I. I always questioned how two people with such different backgrounds and beliefs could make it work. I sometimes think that he was more into it than I ever was.

I never fully understood what I was doing to myself. I was always using him as an excuse. Telling people that I was “seeing” someone that way I wouldn’t seem like the loser girl who for some unknown reason couldn’t get a boy to be interested in her. The more I think about it, the more it saddens me. I tend to put up these walls when I meet people. Always coming off as a bitch or a snot. Never feeling like I can truly be myself because I fear that people won’t like me. I’m so paranoid as to what others think. Maybe it’s low self-esteem. I’ve never been the most outgoing girl. I’ve always been the girl who’d rather keep to herself because she was too shy and never knew what to say. I really don’t know why I’m feeling this way tonight. It just crept up on me. I’ve been meaning to blog about this for a few days now but hadn’t gotten around to it. I’m kind of glad I finally did.